Bereaved and Blessed

It’s your Golden Birthday!

A very happy date we got to choose, between that and September 15, 2009, for my scheduled repeat c-section (if I didn’t go into natural labor or my water broke sooner).

We picked September 17th in part so you and your sibling Molly, who was born and died 17 months before you, would have the same day of the month for your birthday.

What a year 16 was, filled with many highs and lows, including when you literally broke your leg!

Ever since, when you are performing in a dance recital (which you can finally do again) or improv show and someone says, “break a leg!” You now respond, “I already did that!”

As Sara Barielles wrote and sings in a heartbreakingly beautiful ballad called “Forever,” from her new album Good Grief:

Oh, I didn’t see this coming
From distance like this, I’ve always been running
You find something you love
You hold on to it and don’t let go

We’ve talked a lot since February, when the accident happened, about what a turning point that became in your life.

Oh, I couldn’t have predicted
So much out of my control, oh, isn’t it
Hard to be these human-shaped hearts that we are?

Since then you’ve worked hard, including six months of physical therapy, to recover and heal. You had a super cool orthopedic surgeon and bonded quickly with the team at our local Sports and Ortho, to the point where you really looked forward to spending time with them during your twice weekly PT sessions.

At the same time, you tried to make the most of your predicament and leaned into the things you could do. This included connecting and spending time with friends, lower key hobbies (such as knitting and crocheting), catching up on schoolwork (after falling behind) and finishing your, at times very difficult, sophomore year strong.

Seconds into minutes into hours and days and weeks and months
And once you’re in it, then it’s hard to feel the heartbeat of you and me
Everything alive will learn to die
Alive is life arriving every minute at a time until it’s time to leave

We are so proud of how you navigated this setback and embraced what followed.

Though your life isn’t a fairy tale and there are no “magic pills,” we continued to work with your mental health team to find what turned out to be a game changing combination of medication and therapeutic support. This new regimen, along with you maturing and taking action, has been incredible to witness.

This summer you decided you wanted to get a job and ended up being hired at a local ice cream store called Moo Joe’s. Its a role that you have rocked and we’ve enjoyed watching you thrive in, not to mention regular walks after dinner to visit you and try the latest yummy flavors! You’ve also relished having your own income stream (beyond occasional babysitting gigs), making it possible to buy more things you want, when you want them. Your accountant (a.k.a. Dad) would like to see you save more of your earnings and you are managing to put some of it away for the future.

Returning to my song choice for your milestone birthday, “Forever,” which is amongst the most moving songs I’ve ever heard, I learned that Sara wrote it from the perspective of a loved one who dies.

Whoa, right?!

Very bittersweet.

The lyrics capture so well the depth of love and the ache of loss. It’s definitely up there with “Orpheus,” being one of my all-time favorite songs. And they’re both by Sara.

This morning after your Dad’s and my workout I put on my Sara Bareilles Pandora radio station (as I typically do) and the first song to come up was “Forever!” That felt like a sign from those who have gone before us on your special day.

Don’t you cry, I’m already home
There’s not one mile in this life you’ll walk alone
And if you need me and we’re not together
Close your eyes to see me better
I’ll be here forever
I’ll be here forever
I’ll be here forever

Also, how cool that we get to see Sara (one of my fav artists) performing at The Chicago Theater later this month, followed by your fav singer and actor Freya Syke’s Stars Align Tour (who/which we also saw in February), within a four day period?!

I love that we are concert buddies and also experienced Noah Kahan’s magical The Great Divide Tour at Wrigley Field together in July. Not to mention our plans in November to see Andrea Gibson’s Love Letter from the Afterlife Tour with their partner Megan Falley.

As they say, “experiences over things.”

Though we both could stand to do more purging and donating.

Now that you have a job, you are able to subsidize more of your own social outings and, thus, do more of them on your own and with friends. Related, you have plans this fall to attend the Worlds Collide Tour with a friend, which you are very excited about and I am not disappointed to be missing. Another one of your favorite actors and singers, Malachi Barton, will be on stage at Worlds Collide, which you are more than a little psyched for!

Did I mention that you are making your own outfit/costume to wear to see Freya again (and to Worlds Collide), inspired by one that she wore in the past? It has been impressive to observe that process, which has included a lot of bedazzling! It was also pretty kind and thoughtful of Freya to finally release her single “Bad Taste” on your birthday eve and the music video today!

While I’m on the subject of going to concerts, I’d be remise not to mention a big headline this week of your 17th birthday, was the figurative implosion of Ed Sheeran’s Loop Tour. As you know, Ed is famous singer/musician that we were fans of and really enjoyed seeing perform at Soldier Field the month that my mom/your Grandma Jacquie died in 2023. In a nutshell, one of his opening acts, the singer/rapper Macklemore, who is known to be an activist/out spoken against the genocide in Gaza and in support of a Free Palestine, was removed from five U.S. Tour stops by the tour promoter and Ed chose not to take a stand in support of him. Not long after this all went down, four other opening acts, including band members who also had served as Ed’s house band at times during the shows, all dropped out of the tour. The artists include: Beoga, Lukas Graham, Finneas, Aaron Rowe. It was an awesome act of solidarity, that not nearly enough celebrities, especially with big followings, have done in effort to bring an end to the horrific death and destruction in Gaza, as well as to use their influence to advocate for an arms embargo and end to the apartheid. I also really appreciate how in the midst of this, Macklemore continues to center Palestinians and yesterday shared the names of six Palestinian aid organizations he is donating the 1 million in net earnings, that he made from the two tour stops he performed at, and encouraging others who have the means to join him in supporting them:

PCRF – Palestine Children’s Relief Fund
HEAL Palestine
Gaza Soup Kitchen
Medical Aid for Palestinians
UNRWA USA National Committee Inc.
Anera

As far as I know, Sara has not spoken out in support of a Free Palestine and against the genocide, which is incredibly disappointing. I debated when this news broke choosing a different song to highlight for your post. I went as far as doing an internet search for a list of singers/songwriters/musicians who have been vocal about this (more and less recently) and considered some of their songs that I love. However, opted to stick with my original choice. I may come back and add an update here, if/when Sara takes a public stand. I hope she takes her own lyrics to heart and does so soon.

I can’t say this will be easy
I don’t want to tell you lies
And honestly, I’m scared, and so are you
But that’s all we have to do is just be scared

Related, I looked up some quotes that capture why this all matters so much:

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” ~ Dr Martin Luther King

“If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.” ~ Archbishop Desmond Tutu

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” ~ Alice Walker

“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” ~ Elie Wiesel

For posterity, I’ll add that in November of your 16th year, we went downstate  to your dad’s and my alma matter to see a college football game and followed a dear loved one, who is part of the Marching Illini, around much of the day to see their bandmates and them perform, which was super fun!

Also in November, our family attended improv shows at iO Theater (where Skylar and I were both taking classes at the time) one Friday night. In between the opening act, “Hellmash,” and the headliner, “Devil’s Daughter,” you volunteered to be interviewed on stage for what is called the “Dream.” The team/cast members from both teams asked you about your day and then improvised a sort of silly/nightmare dream sequence inspired by what you had shared. An especially hilarious and memorable moment was when they reenacted our family having dinner that night, at a nearby restaurant, during which we told our server where we were going next and that some of us practice improv ourselves. The improvisers imagined that our server had been guessing who at our table does improv and when they didn’t say me, the improviser portraying me responded with, “I do improv too, you ageist fuck!” Our family still regularly reminisces and laughs about how funny we thought that was!

In January, we celebrated what would’ve been my dad/your Grandpa Kevin’s 85th Birthday by seeing the play Amadeus at Steppenwolf Theatre, which was very long and not as entertaining as we hoped. However, I know he’d have appreciated the intention. Prior to the show we had dinner in his honor at an Italian restaurant, which he loved. I was determined to do all of that on his actual birthday, which we rarely celebrated on the actual date when he was alive, and it was quite the ordeal to make happen being a school and work night for our family. I had taken a mental health day and picked you up from ETHS and then we drove out to Oakton College, where Skylar was taking courses, and then into Chicago, where dad met us after work (he was in the office that day). Somehow on the ride you started reading the texts that Grandpa Kevin and you had exchanged back in the day (much of which were riddles that my dad would send you to try to solve) and then those you and Grandma Jacquie had sent each other, which was really fun and moving.

And I know these seconds into minutes into hours and days and weeks
Will sneak up on us, ocean made of pain, waves of ache
Each wake will break us open
Lay upon the shore and let it roar, be soft in awe of love and loss
The miracle of grief is in a heartbeat of you and me

Clearly we spend a lot of our free time and family resources going to and supporting live theater, as when I reviewed my photos from the last year I came across even more examples of that!

In March, you and I drove out to Aurora to see a Dear Evan Hansen ASL Performance at Paramount Theatre, which was really cool! You are still very interested in the possibility of studying and maybe even majoring in ASL Interpretation in college. Speaking of college, you have begun your search and started to identify schools and locations that interest you. A front runner is the Rochester Institute of Technology (RIT), located in Rochester, New York, which is one of very few universities that have a Bachelor of Science in ASL-English Interpretation degree. You are also interested in looking at schools located in New York City, as well as other places that offer art therapy degree programs. We attended a virtual RIT info session about the BS in ASL-English Interpretation program and plan to do some in-person college visits during your 17th year, as you prepare to apply during Fall 2027/the beginning of your senior year at ETHS.

In April, on the 18th Anniversary of Molly’s birth and death day, our family saw ETHS’s spring musical Hadestown. You and I returned one more time during the run, as we love that show so much! It was a meaningful way to celebrate that milestone since Molly was here. As I seem to say every year now, we don’t talk about your sibling who died the day they were born as often as we used to and Molly still will always hold a special place in our hearts, along with my mom/your Grandma Jacquie and my dad/your Grandpa Kevin.

Don’t you cry, I’m already home
There’s not one mile in this life you’ll walk alone
And if you need me and we’re not together
Close your eyes to see me better

I especially love that line last line in “Forever,” as many nights when I am lying in bed and winding down to fall asleep, I will close my eyes and picture my parents sitting in their recliners in the den/family room at their home, where they lived for 40 years and raised your Aunt Meg and me, on Isabella Street in Evanston, and imagine that we are in conversation. I knew them so well that I can usually guess how they would respond to any topic, concern or anything else I might mention. I find it incredibly comforting, though of course nothing can ever replace what it felt like to get to spend time with each and both of them in person when they were still alive.

If you are the boat, I am the ocean
If you are the flame, I am the carbon
If you are the bird, I am the movement
If you are the words, I am the music
If you are the bloom, I am the color
If you are the child, I am the mother
If you are the lonely, I am the lover
I am the love, the love, the love, the love, the love, the love, the love forever
Forever

I also want to note that you continue to audition for plays and musicals at ETHS, which you have yet to be cast in and has been really disappointing. I applaud you for continuing to put yourself out there and also recognizing that it takes a lot of work. For your last YAMO (sketch comedy/variety show) audition, in the spring, you challenged your comfort zone by reaching out to the person who had signed up for the same audition slot to practice with. Though neither of you made the show, you both had much more positive experiences for preparing and going through it together.

This Fall you are excited to be back taking classes at Dance Center Evanston, including Advanced Tap. You were also invited to serve as a demonstrator for Everybody Dance (a class at DCE for students with special needs), in part because a participant is hard of hearing and the staff thought you would be especially sensitive and equipped to work with and support them due to your being in your third year of taking ASL at ETHS. Lastly, you auditioned and were cast in DCE’s original production of Jack Frost that will be performed there this Winter. You’ll be performing in three roles/dances, including Tap and Modern numbers. One of the reasons you are especially looking forward to Jack Frost is because some of your close friends are also doing it and you’ll get to spend more time together at the practices and shows.

While on the topic of extracurriculars, your are returning to ETHS’s Improv Club this Fall, after taking a Mudlark/iO Theater class this summer which you really enjoyed. You were also invited to join Varsity Soap Club, which to those not familiar, is a very real and awesome activity that exists at your high school! You fabulous Chemistry teacher last year had a unit in your class that included learning to make homemade soap and then marketing it. Your soap project partner and you made a really cool watermelon inspired bar, which after all of your teacher’s classes voted was chosen the best!

Going back to some additional highlights of your 16th year… In June, we went to see author Matt Haig interviewed in Chicago on the book tour for his new release The Midnight Train, after Skylar, you and I had all read and loved two of his other books: The Midnight Library and The Comfort Book.

In July, we took a summer road trip to one of our happy places, Hilton Head Island, South Carolina, by way of Charleston. It was awesome to return to HHI, a location that holds so many special Axe/Beisler/Hunt family memories and is a relatively easy vacation to plan, since we’ve been there so many times. As for Charleston, it was Dad, Skylar and your first time. I took the photo of you at the start of this post there. I had been to Charleston once before, in May 1995, for a Memorial Day weekend family reunion with three generations of Hunt family women (on my mom’s side).

One of the highlights of our two days and nights in Charleston, which coincided with the 250th anniversary of the adoption of the United States Declaration of Independence, was visiting the McLeod Plantation Historic Site and receiving a fascinating and enlightening tour. It was important to me, when plotting out our trip to Charleston, that we not center the experiences of settler colonizers and go places where we could learn unvarnished history that included the experience of enslaved people who were forced to work and live there. We also drove through the Smoky Mountains on our way home from HHI, which is so beautiful, and appreciate how signs telling of that area’s history include stories/information about indigenous people, who lived there long before white Europeans arrived and took over, killed and/or drove them out.

Before we left for HHI, we gathered with loved ones at Hackney’s on Lake in honor and memory of the 5th Anniversary of my dad/your Grandpa Kevin’s death and the 3rd Anniversary of my mom/your Grandma Jacquie’s. We are so glad we prioritized that, as a few months later Hackney’s announced they were closing after 71 years in business at that location. Luckily, they are not closing their nearby restaurant on Harms and so we’ll still have a place to go for our Axe family tradition. That said, it is very bittersweet since we celebrated so many special and meaningful events at their big restaurant on Lake, including many Father’s Day meals before or after visiting Arlington Race Track, Grandma Jacquie’s 80th Birthday, Grandpa Kevin’s and Grandma Jacquie’s funeral luncheons and many more. I have often walked through Hackney’s on Lake, en route from a table where we were dining at to/from the a restroom, and while looking around the various dining rooms flashed back to lots of those memorable moments.

As I wrote some of this on your birthday eve, you were working at Moo Joe’s and on a school night at that. A month into your junior year you are still figuring out how to balance all of your commitments. Dad and I are super impressed with how open you’ve been with us and your teachers about what is going well and the areas where you may need additional support. You are getting better at advocating for yourself and knowing what works for you. We recently went shopping to buy you a used/refurbished bike, as you ride to/from school (with one of your close friends), dance and work most days. You also recently started taking the bus to/from school, when the weather isn’t cooperating or you don’t want to have your bike later in the day.

We’re celebrating your birthday as we typically do, starting with a Polar Pizza from Baskin Robbins (though this year it wasn’t your preferred Oreo variety, which is a whole story in and of itself) for your special breakfast and wrapping it up going out to dinner at the restaurant of your choice — which will likely be Culver’s of Shake Shack (you still haven’t decided). Then tomorrow/Friday evening, after Jack Frost rehearsal at DCE, you plan to have some friends over for pizza and more S’mores Polar Pizza (again, not your choice and you did end up liking it). Lastly on Saturday, Dad, you, one of your friends from school and I are going to see “Mean Girls” at Paramount Theatre, which we’re looking forward to. We got a Broadway Series subscription this year, however since Skylar recently started working as a host a local brewpub, she gave up her ticket to work. That reminds me, we didn’t finish watching the movie version that we started a few weeks ago yet (though Dad and I have seen it before) and better get on/prioritize that in the next day or so.

Well, I think I’ve come to the end of this, your Golden Birthday blog post — the 14th that I have written for you. I started doing them for your 4th birthday and have managed to keep it up every since, by your request and with your blessing.

As Sara sings,

I’ll be here forever
Forever, ever, ever, ever 
Forever
I’ll be here forever

Hopefully I will be around for many more decades of your birthdays and if/when that ceases to be true,

Close your eyes to see me better
I’ll be here forever

Happy Birthday, dear Gail!

I love you so much!

Love,
Mom

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